


The Dreams I have in the Mirror

by Yongjae37



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, F/F, F/M, Gen, I hope, I want them collected somewhere, Poetry, Rants disguised as something prettier, Sad, Thoughts and reflections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-04-23 07:45:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14327853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yongjae37/pseuds/Yongjae37
Summary: All the thoughts I had, all the woes I feel and all the hopes I've lost. It's how I cope, how I speak, how I wonder. In sentence fragments, in ideas I stop too fast. It's all dreams I have, in a mirror. Away, away from me.





	1. Chapter 1

**A Dream of You**

  
Last night, I dreamt of you, and I dreamt of me,  
I dreamt of how I thought, we  
would be forever. That we were meant to be,

I dreamt of how much I missed you  
how I let that feeling pass  
how I let it drown itself in normalcy  
and you not by my side

I remember you crying, about breaking apart  
about losing everyone, yourself, + me

I remember telling you, to live in the present  
to make most of what we have,  
that whatever happens, at least  
these memories would last.

And I feel so dumb, so foolish  
those days rushed so fast

I remember you not crying, about breaking apart  
you had a speech prepared, carefully measured  
awfully precise,  
about all the reasons, you didn't want me  
in your life

I remember myself, calm, and poised,  
comforting you, as you said you'd leave  
my life.

that you hated this, and me.

I remember feeling so cruel, cold  
and heart broken

I had nothing to say, nothing to add.  
you'd be leaving me, and that's all I thought  
all I had.

I laugh now, it felt so natural, so normal  
you'd do the very thing,  
you were so afraid of.

and I'd hug my empty heart

wondering what you'd say  
wondering what you'd do.

I'd write up stories, and grand tales,  
you as the heroine and I the villain

and still there would be no peace  
no peace, in my empty head and too full lungs

They say it gets easier with time,  
and it does, it does.

Its no longer you I think of,  
the easiness of your words,  
the warmth of your shoulder.

it's the emptiness, you left in me  
the loss of you, that fills my bones

its all so normal, I could laugh if  
that was okay

  
It's not even a year,  
and I think im a hero,  
I think im brave.  
I think im doing the right thing.  
Cutting you out, deleting your name, deleting your face

I remember telling you, to live in the present  
to make most of what we have,

I remember being afraid, but I had no doubt  
that whatever happens, at least  
we'd be together, we'd be fine

now, with whatever's happened,  
I'm wondering if I even want  
these memories to last.

I remember saying, to have faith,  
to believe

and now I feel so foolish, so dumb, so rash  
I wish these memories would go  
I want nothing of the past


	2. Time Bomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: VAGUELY suicidal thoughts?

Some days I feel like I’m a time bomb.  
Ticking and ticking. I just don’t know what or who will set me off.  
But I know, at the slightest of words, I’ll burst into tears.  
It feels weird, because objectively I can’t understand.  
Objectively the world isn’t so cruel

 

But subjectively it feels like it’s all rolled into one huge monster.  
And I’m helpless I’m helpless.  
I feel like I’m fighting heavy chains that tie me down, that walking through thick mud, and there’s no going anywhere.  
It’s not my fault

But I’ve also stopped trying.  
Giving in seems so much better than failing outright.  
It’s easy. And over time it all slumps and mixed together to being normal.  
Towing the edge of what I perceive as healthy and unhealthy.  
It feels like I’m standing before a cliff.

I can feel the warm sun against my skin, the chiling breeze through my hair.  
And I stand there contemplating.  
The fall is so emmanse and so beautiful.  
I wonder what it’s like to step off, to free fall.  
A rush of fear spikes through my veins and I think for once I feel something

I think, what if someone pushes me, what if I trip and fall over.  
And I think I wouldn’t mind. I think wouldn’t care.  
It’s a weird morbidity that keeps me tethered to the cliff. I wouldn’t mind.  
Some times I wish it. But I am sane. And I continue life as is.  
It’s a test.

How far gone am I.


	3. A cycle

Today I woke up feeling sad,  
It was 12 O clock noon,  
And I realized getting bed out of bed was hard  
And I was tired and tired  
5 hours past, and my stomach ached  
Yet the fear of leaving  
Of letting go  
Held me still.

Today I realized,  
Depression is an ass  
It might’ve went away few days  
And there were actual rainbows and sunshines  
Its still kicking back again. 

It tugs and it tugs   
On my heart strings and lungs  
I feel chocked, and clogged  
And on fire again

Today I realized,  
I can’t get myself caught   
Unguarded again.  
Excuses pile up one by another  
And I’m tired so tired  
Depression is persuasive in its art  
As I sit on the foot of my bed,  
Watching another youtube part

My smile feels fake, my eyes feel red  
My throats numb, my stomach full of dread.

The words on my tongue feel  
Clipped and faked and trashed  
I want to throw them out  
Tear them from my memory

But what else is new  
And there’s no energy for me  
All of this I knew  
All of this is true


	4. Chapter 4

There are so many words  
That hug tightly at my throat  
So many words that I wish I could say  
Give out loud and breathe an air to them  
But the more I think   
The more I wrap my head around those words  
I begin to think, its not okay   
Its not okay

I feel trapped in my head  
And the words I say  
Everything is on repeat  
And the blame is not on me

Everything that could go wrong  
Has gone wrong and everything crashing down on me  
You tell me that I don’t really care  
And that I’m not really caring

And I say  
Im sorry  
Im sorry 

You’re right  
But I cant muster the feelings, to care

You tell me to come home  
And at home I’ll be free  
I’ll be safe  
And fine

And I can’t say   
And I can’t breathe  
The words to say   
No home is not free  
Home is not safe

The idea hits me like a punch   
In the gutter  
And home feels bad  
Home feels terrible

Home is not home

You ask me for a reason  
For a solution  
For what I want to do  
And I say I have none  
That I don’t care

You yell and you pour guilt on me  
you say its all your fault  
As simple as that  
And I’m angry because why   
Can’t you just leave me alone

You say you care  
Well I say I’m done  
I need a break  
Im done

You say you care  
And thats why you’re talking with me  
And I say I don’t need it  
I don’t want it

You say I’m foolish  
For fearing for the worst  
You say I’m hitting myself too hard  
For the grades I’m getting  
and I say you’re wrong  
I don’t care what grades I’m getting  
Or maybe I do  
But nothing hits me more  
Than your voice in my head

Yelling and yelling   
That I’m stupid and foolish and naive

You say you’re my parent  
That you know me inside out   
And I say  
You don’t know me at all  
What do you know

You say you know what I’m going through  
You tell me to exercise  
And I say stop  
Because its not working just yet its too fast

You’re angry, and I’m angry and I don’t want any of it  
I don’t want to be home  
I don’t want to be home  
Home is not free   
Home is not safe

Home is not home

I know I’m being unfair  
That you’re sick and everyones sick  
And I need to grow up  
But I feel trapped  
Trapped in my head

And I don’t know what to say or do  
I don’t know anything at all

Nothing feels safe  
Nothing that I say  
I cant talk to you without it getting to someone else  
I can’t talk to you without it being leaked into something  
New  
I can’t 

I know you’re trying  
I know you’re only what you think is best  
Im telling you its wrong  
Its not right  
It doesn’t work for me

I know after so many years  
You’re trying and I know  
But I’m still grieving over my hurts  
And losses 

Know that I’m hurt beyond your understanding  
Know that you’ve never been there for me  
Know that you can’t begin to know how long I’ve been in the dark  
How long I’ve decided that its really really not worth it  
That I’ll just chug along

Know that its not as simple as I did not get a good grade  
Know that its not as simple as im not perfect  
That I can’t do what I can

Because I want to say is fuck you and everything  
And maybe it is that simple  
But I hate that you still treat me as a child  
And what am I but a child

And I hate that I’m suddenly responsible   
For things I can’t control   
I can’t even help myself and you want me to help you  
I can’t I can’t I can’t 

Know that I don’t really think you deserve my pain  
Or my sadness  
That you don’t deserve the things I create or the things I wound  
Cause would you accept it  
Would you like it  
I think not, 

Know that no matter how much you care  
You aren’t going to accept all of me   
For who I am  
Know that no matter how much you try to understand  
You’re still not getting to where I am  
You don’t understand you don’t understand you fucking don’t

I don’t want to talk   
And I don’t know if I want you to understand

You tell me to come home  
That you’ll fix this  
That we’ll fix this  
That home is safe  
Home is fee  
And I say I don’t want to   
Because home is not free  
Home is not safe

Home is not home


	5. I have a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apparently im in a writing mood today

I have a dream  
In which I could live another life  
That I could walk hand in hand  
across the street  
Beside you  
Happy and free

I have a dream  
In which you and I  
Could be horribly domestic  
Horribly cringey  
And so full of love  
And so full of life

I have a dream  
In which you would roast  
Me harsher than  
The potatoes  
I accidentally set on fire

I have a dream  
In which I didn’t mind  
In which it meant you cared  
More than I possibly could  
About what I did

I have a dream  
In which we could sit  
Side by side  
Gazing at the dark  
And meaningless sky

I have a dream  
In which we wouldn’t  
Say anything smart  
Or funny or important  
We’d talk about what  
if chickens had human  
Feet or if feces  
Were the color green

We’d talk about star shaped boba  
And eating oil paints  
Because we didnt need  
Anything cool

I have a dream  
In which my parents wouldn’t  
Have minded  
That I’m a girl  
And you’re a girl  
And all of that was fine

I have a dream in which  
You’d get mad at me  
And I’d spend all of my nights  
Hoping that I could win you back  
Hoping that you’d be mine

I have a dream in which  
The only reason was  
Because we didnt understand  
What I love you meant

I have a dream in which  
we were best friends first  
And then everything else  
The sky, the stars, the world next

I have a dream  
In which I had the guts  
To say I love you  
And it wouldn’t matter  
What I meant  
Platonic, romantic  
As a friend, as something more

Because in that moment  
It was true  
In every sense of the word


	6. And all the love I ever wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a piece is more personal than the others. I’m trying to speak about generational gaps and maybe in that way the message may be accessible. It is a sad poem as my poems usually are but I’m proud of this one. Shout out to the poetry server that helped me edit

My mother, when I was younger,  
Would see the world in dazzling colors

At home   
When I reached for the highest shelf  
For the thickest books  
She’d stretch my hand, and point it higher,  
“No, reach for the stars”

My mother, as mothers would,  
Would say she saw a fire in my eyes  
The world was meant to be mine   
She knew it, she just knew it was  
If only I’d see the signs

But I couldn’t see the world, and it’s big bright   
stars, and blue blue sky   
I saw the ring of gold in her hands  
How it sparkled in the light  
And I thought for surely  
That would be mine

And as I grew older  
And my arm stretched,  
As mother had taught,  
higher   
Than before

I would stumble and fall   
A few inches from being blessed  
By my mother’s hand. 

And the dreams my mother had  
Grew grayer and less picturesque 

My mother would sob beneath my feet  
Her eyes devoid of color   
and her face so bleak  
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”  
I don’t know why the stars wouldn’t give the world you deserve.

I had seen the signs. I had given you the water to grow 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”

The gold in her hands had rotted into coal  
Black and ugly, cold and dirty  
But I took her hand into mine  
I held the coal beside my heart

This is all I ever wanted  
This is all I ever needed 

And all she could say  
When she looked into my eyes

I don’t understand I don’t understand   
You deserve the world 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”


	7. It’s in the words you say

You want to say, “I love you”   
You want to say “it’s fine”, “you’ll be okay”, “I don’t care”  
You want to say that I can take my time  
That I can stumble and fall   
And that you’ll hold back your wince  
And your embarrassment of it all

You want to say “in spite of that,  
“I love you, I care for you and i want the world for you.”  
And all I have is tears for you.  
And nothing, nothing more. 

You want to say “I understand now”, “it’s okay now”  
“Please come home now.”  
And all I have is tears for you  
And nothing, nothing more.  
You want to wipe the dust,   
You want to clean the dirt,   
And sweep the floor.  
Gone with my past woes,  
Gone with my past hurt  
Gone with them

Out Out Out

You want a new slate,  
And a fresh start,  
And a way for me to say   
“It’s okay. Let us begin again”

But all I have is tears for you  
And nothing, nothing more. 

You hurt me and you hurt me all over  
Your voices haunt me in my dreams  
And in my day and in the words   
I say.

And you want to wipe that away  
And sweep it beneath the bed  
And let time forget  
And wounds grow old.

You want to say “Don’t cry, Don’t cry.”  
(Don’t cry till I’m dead）  
You want to say “Look at me! Look at me!   
Look I was hurt too!”  
You want to say “I understand you, I do, I do”  
And all i have is tears for you  
And I nothing, nothing more.

The things you say,  
Make me want to curl up inside  
Fit in the smallest cupboard  
And stay there till I die.

The things you say,  
However gentle, however good willed  
Make me feel I’m not whole  
And never whole   
And will never be whole 

The things you say,  
Though you’ve changed now

Make me think I’m wrong  
And horribly wrong   
And never right.

And all I have is tears for you  
And nothing, nothing more.

You want to say you understand,  
But what part of you does.  
What part of you have taken my wounds  
And looked at them eye to eye  
And said I’m sorry I’m sorry

You see my hurt and aching self  
You see my tears, and you want to brush them off  
And you want to say   
“Come here, let me help you”  
And all I see are spikes underneath your sleeves  
And the warmth of your cold embrace

You want to say “I love you”, “I care”,  
“Please come home now”

And all I have is tears for you,  
And nothing, nothing more.


	8. too little words, too little feelings

[Poem] I'm not as expressive with words  
as I wish I were. I feel like there's a character limit  
to the ideas I say to you.  
The ideas I want to bring out.  
Like if I stretch my arms, they feel like  
they're too short, or stubby to reach the  
things i want to reach

feels like my words are never enough  
and all that i can offer all the same.

I feel like there's a limited capacity  
to things that i can love,  
that i give and give, but at some point  
there's nothing left inside.  
I reach inside my bag of gifts  
and i find only air inside

i wish i had words  
to replenish the feelings I have  
I wish i had things to give  
to replenish the words I lack  
I wish I could say  
you mean a lot  
but no reasons come to mind

I wish i could say i love you  
but nothing compels me to

i wish i could say  
that i do, its really all there

but i think my hearts empty  
in a way i cant comprehend  
i love and love  
and i feel like the love means nothing  
because i cant say it  
to people matter most

i wish I could disguise it in words  
i wish i could disguise it in pictures   
in gifts, in dolls, i wish i could lavish you

but i have nothing  
nothing inside.

and nothing compels me to fill it  
fill it once more.


	9. Happiness

[Poem] What makes me happiest,   
is being in the presence of people who are happy,   
there's a special giddiness, and warmth  
that comes from knowing i could make it happen.

It's special, the way someone lights up  
from something i've made  
the way they say "yes I can do it"

or omigosh,   
the way you know you made their minute  
and you can bask in that moment  
and you can pretend it's yours.

I like in the way that i can be greedy  
i can always make things that i think will   
cheer someone up  
i can always want and keep wanting

I don't know how to say it  
if it makes sense  
because you're happy moment  
means the world to me  
because then i'll be happy too  
i'll feel warm and gooey   
and soft

and I like knowing that i did that

i don't know how to say thank you for finding happiness in something i've made.  
Because it means the world to me, it makes feel happy.

and feel like happiness is such a rare thing. In how it flickers, and passes when the moment passes. But i can enjoy in your happiness

in as long as i want. And i don't know how to say thank you for that.  
i think its always easier, to make someone else happy for a moment  
because you can pretend it lasts forever, on and on.

i think happiness is being content in the few moments you get  
and treasuring them as much as you can.

Happiness is realizing that its finite, and discrete and that it's not a continuous stream of feeling.

Happiness isn't forever, but the memory of it is.

I always find it funny, when someone says i'm positive,   
I think i'm a debbie downer, because all I do is cry and write sad poems.  
My mom asks if i even know how to smile.

But I think thats a positive of me, I know what its like to be sad  
so i know how special happy is.


	10. On the lies I whisper

You tell yourself  
A million times  
That it’ll be okay

You whisper into   
The blankets  
That wrap you like  
All the hugs you ever wanted

That you’ll be okay  
You’ll live  
You’ll breath  
You’ll be fine

But sometimes you hit  
A rock,  
So heavy and unlovable

You don’t know if you can   
Pretend anymore

You draw circles in the sand  
Two dots for eyes  
A curved line for a smile

And you try  
And you try  
To twitch your lips in   
The same way

All that comes out is   
A bitter laugh  
And a wave of self pity

You don’t remember how it  
Feels to be happy anymore  
You dont know what to do   
To make it last

You don’t know what to do  
To bring you back to zero  
You dont know   
Because you’ve fallen too deep into despair

And waves of guilt, ugliness  
And sadness pour over you  
You can’t breathe in the way that makes no sense

You think you’re insane  
You’re crazy,  
Why do you think you cant breathe  
Why do you think you’re being crushed

Everything’s fine EVERYTHING”S FINE  
You’re breathing you’re breathing

It’s at this point  
That when people say things  
Like you deserve to be happy  
Even if its throw away  
You cant help but try too hold back tears

Because you dont remember  
You dont remember  
What it is to be happy  
What it store make it last

You construct lists of things  
To say to yourself  
To strengthen your walls against the   
Depression outside

You guard yourself against the dark  
Negative thoughts that hover beyond  
Your mind’s walls

But its right now you think   
Its all too naught  
Its all fake and unreal  
And you’re just pretending  
You’re pretending

And you think  
Maybe you’ll tire out  
Maybe it’ll end  
Maybe it’ll end


	11. Rain

When it rains  
its not an immediate response to go  
To take cover,  
I like the feeling of water dripping on me  
Like im no different  
Than the ant on the ground  
Or the stone in the fountain  
Or the trees above me

I like to fantasize getting sick  
Because then I’d have a reason  
For myself  
For feeling shitty as I do

I like the feeling  
Of being nothing  
Of forgetting that I exist  
Because then my brain stops thinking  
And my worries evaporating  
Because I dont matter

I like pretending  
That im just a watcher  
A piece of the air

I like to forget that  
My life is something  
Because caring means  
Caring too much

I like the rain  
Because it drowns me out just the same  
Its cold and tiny and   
It can make me sick, and it can calm  
I like the feeling of something  
That’s not caused by myself  
Something I cant control  
But won’t hurt me all that much

When I get stressed  
I like to walk out into the cold  
Jacket off,  
Just fresh skin for the air   
To eat, bite, consume

I like to feel something  
Thats not myself   
Because I know I’ll eat myself   
Alive

I wish people understood  
That what I’m afraid of  
Is myself, and my reactions  
That I’m balancing on a net of strings  
Of lies and false comforts

To keep my sadness at bay  
I wish they knew how much  
I feel like I’m teetering between sanity  
And un-saniity  
And knowing so much  
That what Im feeling is nothing  
Compare to what I feel

I wish they understood  
That my mind is a trap  
That I cant think without   
Somethinge see bitting back

I wish they understood that  
The pain I allowed myself to feel  
Is 100 times over too much for   
Me to handle

So I choose to not to handle  
to not feel, to put myself out  
Only in the superficial sense  
Because I am tired  
So tired  
Of caring too much

I wish they understood  
that I am the way I am  
Because I care too much  
I dont want to fail

Procrastinators are perfectionists

I wish they understood  
That all I want is for my mind to stop turning  
To rest and disappear

I guess   
I like rain  
Because it cant possibly understand  
And I don’t want it to understand  
I like rain because its passive  
And it makes me feel like  
I don’t exist

And thats the most peace  
I ever get

Oh how I wish it’ll rain on me  
(But then I leave, because rain has  
This small caveat  
Of making you sick and sick isn’t for me)


	12. (Test) Anxiety

Anxiety works  
In a way that irratic  
And irrational  
Its the randomness that  
Throws the person off

Its the inconsistency  
The lack of logic  
Its the pain and all  
Encompassing feeling  
Of it

That’s so much more   
Than depression  
Its that striking fear  
In the marrow of your bones

In the loudness of the blood  
Pumping through ears  
In the pain of your chest  
The pit of your stomach

You feel it  
So so so so  
Much  
Physically  
Mentally   
Its there its there

Anxiety is the ghost  
You point to  
When your head hurts  
And your heart beats to fast  
When you forget how to breathe  
And your mind slips  
Slips   
Slips  
Into numbing nothingness

Its the sick feeling of being  
Insane  
But knowing you’re not  
Of pointing to everything  
And say it hurts it hurts it hurts  
And nothing there  
To prove your point

Anxiety is the feeling of fear  
When you know there’s nothing  
Anxiety is the feeling  
That you’re never enough  
You never will be enough  
And wondering out loud   
Why you ever feared that

Anxiety is the feeling  
Of a sinking stomach  
That falls and falls  
In to the void of a black hole

Its the feeling of wanting to   
Scratch it out  
And flip from your body

Its the feeling fo sticking   
A finger down your throat  
And hoping  
Praying   
You could eject the poison   
From your mouth

But nothing happens  
Because anxiety is the  
Invisible demon  
Always there  
Always haunting

But never vanquished  
Never real


	13. Depression Poem Number What?

Depression   
Is an awful feeling in your heart  
Its that little voice   
In your head   
That just  
Never  
Never goes away

Some days it makes you punch  
A mirror and scream  
What the hell is wrong with me  
And cry and grieve all the same

It the heavy feeling of sadness and  
Weighted stress  
That cares not of real world happenings  
And real world feelings

Its the wateriness of your eyes  
Despite being with friends  
Its the hopeless plunge of loneliness  
Despite being anything but

Its the wretched feeling of contradiction  
As it leans over your shoulder  
Predicting and cursing and  
Whispering  
you’re going to fail you’re such a failure  
You suck

Depression is clever  
In the way that it moves  
For a few weeks  
You think  
Its not there anymore  
It doesnt matter anymore im free

But there’s negative potential   
All around you   
You dip into it, just a tad  
Like opening pandora’s box  
You can’t help it

And youre sucked into its lies   
Wrapped in truths  
You forget that depression isn’t you  
Isn’t sane, isn’t rational  
It’s not you, its not you

Depression is horrifying  
In the way its brilliantly clever  
It has you wrapped around its little finger  
Has you trailing its coat tails

Depression lies  
And depression distorts  
It says happiness is a near constant thing  
that you can never have

Truth is, nothing is constant  
Depression too

Depression is succubus or incubus   
Here to suck your soul dry   
It lures you in with   
shiny distractions and flits and whims of happiness,  
and smiles so short,   
You wonder if its even real

It has you chasing endlessly for something   
So perfect, its not   
Its not real  
there is no golden pot of coins  
There’s no happiness button

The end of rainbow  
Is just a rainbow  
But a rainbow is rainbow  
And rainbows after all  
Are pretty  
And rarely seen


End file.
